Forward Motion

Expansion |Bronze with Electricity |Artist Paige Bradley

Who’s that girl?? Finally listening to her inner voice (no, not the crazy ones!). We all have those another time, another place scenario that seems to linger but we rarely get to see it play out. Well, I’ve been marinating in mine this summer and it has been lovely. As the sun was retreating below the horizon on the last day of summer, my summer fling was going with it. We were old acquaintances; two fiercely independent individuals having a good sense of who they are, enjoying each other’s company. I could feel myself getting lost in the butterflies, the heart palpitations, and the weakening of my knees. Without sounding too cliché, I was awakened. Maybe, a bit too much! It has been so long, since I felt this rush. I was giving a little more of myself each time, freely. I made a decision to put my needs first and really followed through with it; I did not run from it, that’s the old, me. Somehow, from somewhere I found my words to say to the most amazing, decent human being. I might want more. I changed the dynamic. Already knowing his answer – he could not give me more and because of my absolute admiration for this man, I had to be fair to him and myself.

“The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Maya Angelou

Ruminating on this possible loss, Elizabeth Bishop’s poem One Art kept replaying in my mind. This deceptively clever poem, which boldly claims in the first line, “The art of losing isn’t hard to master” she wants the reader to realize that insignificant losses (keys, wallet, phone) helps us grow accustom to bigger losses (family, friends, homes) in order to quickly get over them. Bishop’s telling us losing things should not be a disaster; we should step outside of these losses and remember the big picture. Although, the last stanza tells us, she is sad about losing a loved one but trying not to see it as a disaster.

Happiness is such a personal thing- It changes as we change. It grows as we grow. If it were a year ago, my status would not be:

Empowered; maybe. Proud; yes! Regrets; none.

Thrusting forward, the following Tuesday night, I walked into a room of writers. It was my first Advanced Prose writing class. Here, I was sitting amongst published novelist and screenplay writers in various genres of fantasy fiction, flash fiction and biographies. I was so out of my league. Most of the students were there to workshop-finished pieces; all I had to contribute were ideas for possible stories. My class objective is to write a short story from beginning to end.

Where to begin…. Once upon a time, there was a delusional girl, Ugh!

One Art by Elizabeth Bishop: http://www.poetryfoundation.org/poem/176996

The Story of Expansion and Paige Bradley: http://www.mymodernmet.com/profiles/blogs/riveting-story-behind-that

~Nerissa

Finding Normal

Free Spirit — one who is not restrained, by convention; a nonconformist. This is how I saw myself until circumstances told me otherwise. A few years ago, my long term relationship ended with a voice message from my Ex. A few months later, I lost my grandmother. The break-up, like all break-ups was sad and exhausting.  The loss of my grandmother devastated me; it shook me to my core and made me question everything.  The one thought that helped as I slowly eased back into my day to day life was, thank God he’s not here.  I was pissed about the voice message, imagining him being run over every morning by my express bus was a great comfort. After the anger phase subsided, I realized it wasn’t him I was angry with, it was me. I was so utterly infuriated with myself. It was at that moment I realized I needed help; I went to see a therapist, to learn how to deal with the loss of my grandmother and the anger I felt towards myself.  After two months on her couch, and boxes and boxes of Kleenex, “stop being a bitch to yourself” were the magic words.  That was our last session. It was a relief to hear her medical opinion.  I may have overstayed my welcome in crazy town but wasn’t cray cray.  It was time to find MY normal again and manage the emotions enveloping my life.

Spiritual Exploration phase 1: Meditation.

I have a lot of girlfriends, who couldn’t relate to Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love, navel gazing was a popular criticism, but not me, I devoured it in mere hours.  I could hear the voices in my head saying nothing life changing Nerissa; you need to clear the dark clouds before making any life altering decisions.  Thus meditation became my refuge. This was my chance to give it a go; I started with five minutes every day.  The longest 5 minutes EVER.  Day after day, I struggled quieting my mind, how the hell do you do this was a recurring theme. I tried sitting up in bed, on the couch with incense lit, another day, on the floor with the heater.   The warm air, relaxed posture started the journey of clearing the clutter of my mind.  Five minutes turned into 15, 30, four years later. I’m still at it.  In the middle of the chaos, I kept thinking this pain will be useful to you someday, right?!

Spiritual Exploration phase 2: Reike.  

One step forward, two steps back has been my dance with change and I am so tired that my partner fear is still leading. Enough already! I needed a boost of energy.  So one evening last month, I had my first session at Vibrant Reike, a bit nervous as I walked up the stairs to the beat of Djembe drums.  Heart racing, I was greeted by Anna, the most joyous person I have ever met.  No exaggeration; joy, light, goodness seemed to overflow from her.  If Anna was sharing her energy source with me, I was SOLD. After a few minutes lying on the warm blankets breathing in the burning sage, I waited for the sparks of energy.  Her hands moved over my body, and I could feel the tension lifting. It was all very subtle; it wasn’t until the subsequent weeks afterwards, that I began to live in the afterglow.  Session two in four days!

It’s been a long, hard road, but the disparate pieces of my life are finally coming together – albeit in a way I never would have imagined.

~Nerissa